Homeland Insecurity
by Red Witch
Summary: Two federal agents learn the hard way why it's not nice to spy on the XMen and Misfits.


**If any CIA agents are listening I don't own anything! Anything! Got it? No characters from any TV shows do I own! I just had this weird idea as I was watching the news. You know how everyone's in a flap about people's phones being bugged in the interest of national security? Well it got me to thinking, now despite the abuse of civil rights going on you gotta feel some sympathy for the buggers. I mean they probably have to hear a lot of conversations they wish they didn't. **

**This gave me an idea…I think you cansee where I am going with this. **

**Homeland Insecurity**

"I had to go into the CIA…" Eric Wesson, CIA operative for MAD (Mutant Affairs Division) groaned. He had brown hair and a startling resemblance to John Cryer right down to the voice. "I couldn't become a lawyer or a doctor or a spa attendant like my Uncle Lazlo suggested. **Noooooooooooo.** I had to be a patriot and help my country. So instead of looking at half naked women all day and getting huge tips, I have to listen to **this!"**

"And then can you believe it? I found those same shoes in the same color half off!" Kitty Pryde could be heard on the listening device. "Can you believe it? I can't believe it! I nearly **died!"**

"She's not the only one…" Wesson hit his head on the desk.

His fellow operative, Jake Smith walked into the hotel room where they had been conducting their operation. "Chow time," He announced carrying in two bags of greasy take out food. In an astonishing coincidence, Agent Smith looked and sounded just like Charlie Sheen. This often inspired rousing choruses of the Two and A Half Men theme song around the office from their easily amused co-workers.

"Do you have a bottle of wine in there?" Wesson asked. "Because I need a drink so bad…"

"The Pryde girl is still talking about clothes with her mom?" Smith was surprised as he sat down and started opening the bag.

"Yup," Wesson turned down the volume and let the tape recorder handle most of the work.

"They were talking about clothes when I left a half hour ago!"

"And they are still going on," Wesson looked at his watch. "It's been nearly an hour and fifteen minutes. Although it's nowhere near her record of three hours and thirty-seven minutes talking about menstrual problems and how painful bras can be. I hate this assignment! We're not getting anything from this!"

"Yeah the odds of both the mutants **and** Bin Laden using the very same code are pretty slim," Smith chuckled.

"Why are we doing this?" Wesson groaned. "Why are we listening in on the phone conversations of those kids from the Xavier Institute?"

"Look Mutant Affairs Division works in conjunction with Homeland Security," Smith told him. "Thanks to President Bush we now have the authority to secretly tap their phone lines because mutants are considered a possible moderate threat to the people upstairs."

"**Possible** moderate threat?" Wesson gave him a look.

"Yeah you know people who can read minds and blow stuff up just by looking at it and set fires andsap your energydoes kind of make people a bit antsy," Smith replied sarcastically.

"I know **that**," Wesson gave him a look. "I'm just wondering why **we** have to listen to this garbage! I mean we couldn't tap into Xavier's private line for some bizarre reason and all we can get are the kids' cell phones and the main line for the house! And we all know Xavier's not stupid enough to make any phone calls on an unsecured line."

"He doesn't have to," Smith said. "He's a telepath remember?"

"Exactly! It's a waste of time!"

"I know," Smith said. "There are a lot of other mutant's phones we should be bugging instead of listening to a bunch of teenagers all day. I don't know why we were assigned the nuts. How many mutants do you think there are in the world anyway?"

"From what our intelligence can deduce the number is about 25,000 to 50,000 in the entire world," Wesson said. "Give or take a few. Plus the fact that about one to five mutants get their powers about every seventy two hours…"

"**That **many?" Smith was in shock.

"Don't you ever read the **files** they give us?" Wesson asked. "Stryker Sunday didn't do all that you know? Between all the major superpowers of the world and several cover operations and terrorist groups, there's a whole generation of screwed up mutants flying around out there."

"And every government and organization in the world would love to get their hands on each and every one of them," Smith added. "Let me guess, our friends from the former Soviet Union are our biggest competitors?"

"No, it's actually Canada," Wesson told him. "They're a lot sneaker than they look."

"Oh yeah," Smith sighed. "The Soviets had that incident in the 80's that wrecked their super solider program. I'd forgotten about that. Well let's see if the kids are talking about something new." He turned up the volume.

"And Lance says he likes me in the green sweater but Peter says he likes me better in the blue one," Kitty continued. "I don't know if Lance is just saying that to drive Peter nuts or if I really do look better in the green sweater. Although I have to admit the blue goes much better with my eyes but the green…"

"Is she **still **not able to choose between those two guys?" Smith groaned. "Man this joke has been going on **forever!"**

"Hold on, we're getting something on the house line Number Two," Wesson told him as he punched some buttons on the machine. "I'll put Pryde on secondary and tape it and we'll listen in."

"Hello?" Scott could be heard on the phone.

"Is Kitty there?" It was clearly Lance on the phone.

"Alvers what do you want?" Scott groaned.

"Is Kitty there?" Lance continued.

"Why are you calling Lance?"

"May I speak to Kitty please?"

"Lance I know that you know that I know it's you," Scott snapped. "What the hell do you want?"

"Is Kitty there?"

"Are you just going to ignore me?"

"This conversation is for Ms. Pryde only, is she there?"

"Speaking of running jokes…" Wesson groaned.

"This is going to be worse than the time that Multiple kid was talking about how many times he had to get up to go to the bathroom, isn't it?" Smith rolled his eyes.

"Hey I'd like a pizza," Jamie could be heard next. "Is somebody using this phone?"

"Speak of the devil…" Smith groaned.

"Jamie could you please get Kitty for me?" Lance asked politely. "It seems there's **no one else** answering the phone!"

"Listen you Rock Head…" Scott snapped. He and Lance then proceeded to argue.

"Why are the Misfits calling them?" Smith asked. "They manage to somehow use their powers to teleport over there every day. Why do they need to call if they go over there every day?" " (Obviously the agents had no idea about the Mass Device.)

"Of course they **have **to call as well as visit," Wesson said. "It's just another way to annoy them. You would know **tha**t if you actually did some work around here…"

"What do you mean? I pull more than my share of the work around here!" Smith snapped.

"Oh please! You've listened to this stuff what, half an hour? I have had to listen to this nonsense non stop for the past **two weeks** all by myself!" Wesson snapped. "While you're ogling the girl in the coffee shop, I've had to hear all about who has their period or which boy is the cutest or which girl is the hottest! Not to mentionthe fascinating world of Animal Husbandry and how difficult it is to get a bull in the mood to do the cha cha with a fake cow named Stella!"

"What?" Smith looked at him as if he grew another head.

"The Blob has a lot of interesting relatives in many varied professions," Wesson explained. "One of the kids…The one that looks like an albino skeleton…"

"Skullfire?"

"Yeah that one! He had to do some kind of report and of course he had to choose one of the most disturbing jobs known to man."

"So he went to the Blob for facts," Smith said.

"Precisely," Wesson said. "And you don't want to **know** what the Blob's cousin Ellie Sue does in the waste removal services."

"Hey you know the drill, I do recon and field work and you are the tech guy," Smith snapped. "That's how we work! That's how it always works!"

"Well it's not working now! Do you have any idea what it is like listening in on a conversation with not one, but **two **people complaining to the Head and Shoulders Company about the effectiveness of their dandruff control shampoo on blue body hair?" Wesson shouted. "A very **detailed **conversation if you get my drift! It gave me mental images that I may never get over!"

"Don't expect any sympathy from **me **pal!" Smith snapped. "You're not the one who nearly got roasted by a dragon or whatever the hell that purple thing they've got there is! I was lucky to get out of setting up the tracers on the phone lines without getting third degree burns!"

"Hey could you guys get off the phone for a bit?" Daria was heard next.

"Yeah stop hogging the phone!" Quinn said.

"We wanna talk to Smith and Wesson," Brittany said.

"Who?" Scott asked.

"The Federal Agents that have been listening to your conversations for the past few weeks," Daria said cheerfully.

"Didn't think we knew, did you boys?" Quinn giggled.

"WHAT?" Scott yelled.

"Uh, oh…" Agent Smith gulped.

"Federal Agents?" Scott's voice was very controlled. "There are Federal Agents listening in on our phones?"

"From the CIA," Brittany said. "Mutant Affairs Division. Interesting pair. They look almost exactly like those guys from Two and a Half Men."

"I love that show!" Quinn chirped. "And those guys are cute."

"Well maybe not so cute after Mr. Logan has his little talk with them," Daria pointed out.

"Logan?" Wesson gulped. "The one with the claws?"

"Yes boys, he's the one with the claws," Quinn said as if she heard them. "And the very bad temper."

"He's a bit miffed at you for violating the X-Men's privacy," Brittany said.

"So are we!" Quinn added. "That's **our** job!"

"That's why we told him where you boys were. He should be there at any moment," Brittany said. "Boy was he in a hurry!"

"It's a good thing you boys are on the first floor of that hotel you're hiding in so you won't have to worry about getting hurt when you jump out of the window," Daria said cheerfully.

"This is not good is it?" Agent Smith gulped.

"No," Agent Wesson gulped. "I would say its not…"

"Man you guys are dead," Jamie was heard giggling.

"STORM!" Scott was heard shouting. "GET THE LAWYERS!"

"Yeah those agents are gonna need 'em once Wolverine gets through with 'em," Jamie added.

_"Men, men, men, men manly men…" _Trinity sang.

Then there was a furious knock at the door. Followed by some familiar claws slicing through it. "OPEN UP IN THERE!" Logan roared.

Neither agent wasted any time in jumping through the window. "That's it! I'm calling my Uncle Lazlo!" Agent Wesson yelled. "See if that job for an attendant in his spa is still open!"

"Ask him if he has two openings!" Agent Smith shouted. "I'm willing to send a resume!"


End file.
